Twas the Night before Christmas

Twas the nights before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my spouse.

The last minute shopping had her pulling her hair,
In hopes that all presents, she needed were there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of shopping kept my wife on her meds.

And mamma in her hurry, while I took a nap,
I settled my brain, while hers started to snap.

When out of my brain there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to realize nothing else mattered.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a wondrous life , for all to revere.


With daily activity, so lively and quick,
A candles light burning, right down to the wick

More rapid than eagles life’s lessons they came,
We complained, and we shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Anger! now, Frustration! now, Depression and Pain!
On, Guilt! On, Anxiety! on, Resentment and Blame!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

"With life’s challenges before us, leave us wondering why
when we meet with an obstacle, we mount to the sky.

So take on life’s challenges, is what we should do,
All of life’s joys, and some sorrows too.

And then, in a twinkling, I found myself proof
all the bad from last year, disappeared in a poof.

As I cleared my head, a thought came with no sound
all good things in my life, were suddenly found.

My life was a great life, from its head to its feet,
And life’s clothes were not perfect but over all pretty neat.


A bundle of Joys life had flung in a sack,
My life was a good life, the more I looked back.

Life’s moments they twinkled! Life’s bumps could get harry!
Life wasn’t all roses, but overall it was merry!

I wasn’t quite sure, where life was planning to go,
But I knew his intentions, were as pure as the snow.

The bumps of this life, were lessons to learn,
Life had no free passes, this is something we’d earn

Life had a broad spectrum, of the good and the bad,
Life kept us all going, through the happy and sad!

Life was always reminding, it could be short like an elf,
A hard lesson remembered, unless affected myself!

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Life gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

Life spoke not a word, but just kept on giving,
And filled all our days, with purpose for living.

Laying me down, with a tweak of my nose,
Life gave me a smile and then he arose!


Life sprang up to say, to us all gave a whistle,
And away we all fly like the down of a thistle.

But I heard life exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-life!"

Funk Fixer (It’s a long one)

Sometimes we fall into a bit of a funk and it can seem impossible to get out of it. About a month ago I had something happen where I suddenly found myself in one of these funks. My positive attitude had changed to a more negative one and everything that had seemed so clear to me, had been lost in a fog of resentment, anger and a feeling of desperation. This hadn’t been the first time this had happened to me, yet I could not remember what it was that had lifted this cloud so many times before. Needless to say, I could not write a Dailydumbbell to save my life and the thought of writing one, made me feel like a hypocrite. What had changed? Why had my thoughts gone from being so focused and happy, to so scattered and negative? About a week ago the answer came to me like it had so many times before. The answer was simple, I was focusing on myself. Somewhere in the previous month my mind had shifted from thinking of others, to thinking about myself. The more it fed my ego the more my mood and attitude shifted. I found myself saying things like, “when do I get to have fun” why don’t I get that, when do I get a break,” etc…. I think about it now and it sounds ridiculous but those were the thoughts that governed me. As my mind dwelled on these things, I built a perfect case as to why I should be disgusted with my life and everyone around me. Of course this may sound extreme but when I fall into a funk, I am just as passionate about it, as I am anything else. Slowly and almost secretly, I was forced to do things for others while putting my thoughts aside. As a result, I had brief moments of fulfillment and happiness that although I didn’t realize, were a result of focusing on and helping others. As I mentioned before this was not the first time that life had taught me this lesson and I am sure it will not be the last. Although I was seeing some light, I still was not out of the woods. I like to keep my writings short but since this is the first in while and because I think it is such an important subject, I want to share with you a story about what finally brought me out of my funk and allowed me to begin writing again.

The story of two champions:

While finding my way out of the “Funk” I was in, my sister Mary invited me to watch her son Stevie run in a cross country meet this past weekend. I agreed to go and give him my support. I woke up early Saturday morning and drove to Belen to find Mary with four of her children, patiently waiting for their brother to run the race. Once the race began, I noticed the level of excitement in all of their faces as he ran down the field in front of them. All of us were lost in our excitement for him. During the middle of the race I ran to a spot where I knew he would be coming by and cheered him on. I raced back to the stands only to find Mary and the kids in the same spot with the same look of anticipation on their faces and joy in their eyes. As the runners entered the field to run the last hundred yards, everyone was screaming in an effort to support their child and we were no different. Stevie beat his best time by running a 7:30 minute mile. As I sat there reflecting on what had just happened I realized that while focusing on others and their happiness I had brought myself happiness. I thought about how hard Stevie had to push himself even when every bone in his body was surely telling him to stop. I wondered how it was possible that I had forgotten what had previously brought me to such a high level of fulfillment. I compared my life to Stevie’s run and was disappointed in myself for quitting. Suddenly, Stevie came running up to everyone and was swarmed by a proud family of Lee’s. Although exhausted, his pride gave strength to his smile and he proudly talked about his race. I congratulated him and then Mary and the kids said goodbye as she headed off for the days adventures. As I sat there in silence pondering on the shift that had just occurred, I was reminded that there was still one more race I had come to see. A very good friend of mine had a daughter that would be running in about an hour. I took the time to think about and remind myself that my fulfillment comes from giving and helping others. This day had made me realize that for the last month, I had been a prisoner of my own selfish thoughts. Within what seemed like minutes, the last race was about to begin. I looked out on the field scanning all the girls to see if I could find Sofi Miguez. There were lots of girls but I was focusing on a petite girl with a white uniform. Within seconds I found her. She had a certain presence out there that most of the others did not have. It was a mix of confidence, strength, determination but most of all focus. Her body language as she ran up and down the field warming up, radiated with it. I had heard some good things and knew she was a great runner but could have never imagined what I was about to witness. In the first hundred yards she pulled away from the pack and got a comfortable lead of about 20yds. I watched her run effortlessly out of site and would patiently wait to catch glimpses of her as she ran the course. The first time she came back into full site, I watched to see if she would still be in front and she was. As she came around the corner she maintained her original stride and look of determination. She never looked back but only forward to her goal. If she would have looked back, she would have found that her lead had increased to 30yds. This was a two mile race so she went around one more time and I anxiously waited for her return. Within a few minutes I saw the golf cart enter the field and right behind it was Sofi. She came around the far end of the track with a Secretariat type pace and lead. I was inspired by her strength and focus and that she continued to push herself, knowing that she could slow the pace and still win easily. After she crossed the finish line, I sat and reflected on what I had been taught by two little champions. It isn’t about winning a race but more about beating your personal best. It’s about taking what God has giving you and doing the best you can with it. I was forced to admit that no matter your age, size or list of excuses, you can do anything you put your mind to and should. But the most important thing I learned that day was that in an attempt to do for others, I did the most for myself. Thank you Stevie and Sofi, for a great race, a great day and for fixing my Funk.

Barks Like a Dog

“If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog.”

 As we go through our lives, there have been times where what we see doesn’t match with what our minds or instincts tell us. We go through an internal struggle questioning ourselves and wondering whether or not it could be possible that our instincts are just flat out wrong.

Two simple examples that we can all relate to are the following: We see people buying expensive cars, beautiful homes, going out to fancy dinners, wearing designer clothes and traveling the world vacationing. We question ourselves as to what we might be doing wrong that does not allow us the same opportunities. We ask ourselves, “Should I be working harder?" or "Am I not smart enough?" "Did I pick the wrong profession?" We wonder, "What did the others do to make them so much money?" and "How is it that they make it look so effortless?"  They seem to have the perfect life. It just doesn’t make sense. I am not saying that there are not those who have worked extremely hard and sacrificed other areas of their lives to obtain wealth, but everyone in Miami? As life unfolds, so too the truth oftern unfolds. Credit card debt, bankruptcy, foreclosures and many other financial secrets unfold and our instincts are proven to be right.

My daughter Elle spent her first semester at the University, struggling to balance her academic life with her social life. She would struggle wondering how it was possible that her friends were going to parties every night and able to make the grades. She, herself, would ask if there was something she was doing wrong. She questioned her own decisions and abilities. I would tell her, “If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog. Wait until the end of the semester before you beat yourself up. Just keep doing what you know to be right.” As life unfolds so too the truth will unfold. Many of those very same girls were forced to drop their classes while others failed.

We all question ourselves but we need to go with our instincts using our internal compass to guide us. Our entire life is filled with examples like the two above. If we allow what we perceive others to be doing to guide us, we will spend everyday at the end of a social leash being yanked around in the direction that others choose to go. Remove yourself from the leash and be free to roam the park as you see fit. When you see something that doesn’t make sense remember, “If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog.”

Devil's Tool

                                "Idle time is the Devil's tool."

When I was growing up, one of my best friend’s mom would always say this to us. Of course at thirteen, I just felt she was telling us we were being lazy. Now as a 43yr old man, I realize the wisdom in her words. When we are busy doing something we are forced to become fully present in the moment. While fully present in that moment all of our other thoughts cease to exist and time is lost. The result is usually a sense of fulfillment; happiness if you will. On the other hand, what happens when we become idle? We sit and think. We think about the future and what might be, sometimes creating fear and anxiety. We sit and think about the past, creating a sense of longing, sadness and sometimes despair. When my friend’s mom said idle time was the devils tool, I think she was also implying that if we had nothing to do, we might find something negative to do and get into trouble. She was right. As a result of thinking about the future and or past, one might decide that they need to do something to try to correct the past and or what they believe to be the inevitable future. That decision can involve, and many times will involve, making a bad decision.

When it comes to raising my kids this has absolutely been the case. When we have kept them constantly busy with schooling, sports and personal activities, they have stayed positive and happy. On the other hand when there has been the least bit of inactivity, they complain about being tired more, they lack motivation, they seem almost bored with life and at times just lay around waiting for something to happen to them. This is no different for me. When I am constantly moving and busy, I am fulfilled and happy. I sometimes hear a voice that tries to tell me I need a break or that I wish I could just lie around and do nothing for a day. I’ve come to learn that that is the voice of death (figuratively speaking). That it is the devil in, “Idle time is the devil’s tool.” If I feed that idea, it will grow out of control and I will find myself wanting more and more time to rest. It has an insatiable appetite. On the other hand if I push forward and ignore it, I become present in what I am doing and a natural flow or tempo is created. The rest and down time, is self dictated and when it arrives, I am present in that moment as well.

It took me 30 years to get it. Idle time truly is the Devil's tool and therefore Work and activity can only be God’s gift.

Universal Thought

This weekend while in Universal, I experienced an incredible feeling. We had just come back from one of the parks and I was sitting waste high in the pool, leaning against the edge. I closed my eyes and started thinking about the fact that this was the first time my eldest daughter Elle had not gone on a vacation with us. As my heart started to swell, I remembered all the first with her. The first time she saw a Disney character and clung to me for safety. The first time I played with her in the Boardwalk pool and we slid down the clown slide until we were both exhausted. I remembered convincing her to ride on all the rollercoasters and the look on her face as she ran to get back in line. The memories overwhelmed me and sadness numbed me with the thought that I would never experience those feelings with her again. I was suddenly jolted out of my trance when my youngest daughter “Baby” jumped on my back and said, “Take me around the pool, I wanna ride you like a dolphin.” I smiled , and began swimming around the pool, or at least attempting to swim around the pool with a 14yr old 110lb passenger. After her ride, I spit out the gallon of water I had engulfed to find myself suddenly attacked by Emma (middle daughter) who loves to tickle me at any opportunity that she can. The lunch we had ordered came and both girls jumped out of the pool, ran over to a pool side table and started eating. Once again, I found myself alone in the pool daydreaming about the past. I remembered all three girls clinging to me as we played in the pool. I remembered the double strollers we managed to make into triple strollers and race car driving them around the parks. When they were young, we jumped on beds, sung songs, went to character breakfast, watched fireworks, swam at night and everything else I ever dreamed a family would do together. Along the way we built a life lasting bond. Once I had snapped out of the past, I realized that the present was in my hands and it was my choice to do with it as I decided. We spent this weekend doing everything we could do.

 I enjoyed  “Baby” and “Emma” for what I could do with them now. I thought of what a great woman Elle has become and how much I enjoy talking to her now as an adult. I truly had the best time I could have ever had, with the best life a person could ever ask for.

Note: In all the time I spent daydreaming I never remembered anything bad about the trips with the girls. Bad memories come and go but the good ones last a lifetime.

DVD Collection

Many times in our lives we will make decisions that make sense at the time but may make less sense as time passes by. In that initial moment, we hopefully weigh out the pros and cons and make our decision. As the years go by we reinforce our decision by continuing to act on our beliefs. The scary part is that during those years, we can somewhat brainwash ourselves and be blinded to the fact that what once may have made sense, no longer does. Here is my example:

When my kids were much younger my wife and I had little or no time to go to the movies so we began buying DVD’s at Costco. We had calculated that Costco had the best prices and that buying DVD’s was much cheaper than going to the movies. After years of doing this, I began to create a DVD library that I was very proud of. As times changed and the practice of collecting DVD’s no longer made sense, I couldn’t bring myself to recognize this, so I continued to buy and add to my collection. The one adjustment I did make, was to buy them “previewed, 4 for $20” at blockbusters. When people would suggest that I was wasting my money or that I should stop collecting "fossils", it would bother me. I think one of the reasons it bothered me so much is because deep down, I knew they were right. Although I knew that my DVD collection would soon be right next to someone else’s prized VCR collection (Garage Sale or Garbage), I continued collecting them. Recently, a good friend came over and forced me to look at the deal NetFlicks had. For $8.99 a month, I could watch anything I wanted through my computer and or gaming system. In addition to movies they had TV shows. In the worst case scenario, if they didn’t have it available for live streaming they would mail me the DVD with a self addressed envelope and all I had to do is mail it back when I was done. Shockingly enough, I had to think about it. I found myself struggling to let go of the idea of buying DVD’s. The thought of not adding to the collection, bothered me. How could I stop now when I had come this far and had been collecting for so long? When I woke up the next morning, I proudly announced that I would no longer be buying DVD’s (as if though I had climbed Mount Everest). I am so happy with that decision. Once I allowed myself to make it, it was really quite painless.
So why was it so hard to make such a simple decision to change? Is it that we feel changing what we have done for so long, somehow means we are admitting that what we were doing was wrong? Is it that we become identified with our decisions? Is it that we forget to revisit our decisions to see whether or not they continue to make sense? For me, I think it was all of the above and more. What I learned was that I need to constantly revisit all the things I am doing or believing in and see if they still make as much sense as they did when I started.

Prep Work

Everyone wants to have success in life. When I speak of success I am referring to success in everything we set out to do, not just financial success. To have success we must put ourselves in a position to succeed and preparation is the dominant factor in reaching this goal. Unfortunately, preparation can seem to be boring and tedious. Even though I am well aware of the benefits of preparation, I continue to struggle with having the discipline to put all of my efforts into “prep work”. We live in a world of instant gratification. Fast food, internet and many more of the things we use daily, come to us with little or no preparation on our part. As a result, the things that require more time and preparation, can feel slow, boring and sometimes even frustrating. Regardless, preparation is key in our success and we must find ways to reinforce that belief so as to motivate ourselves during times of preparation. Reflecting on what brought us success is a tool that can be helpful. Take a look at the following examples to see not only how the “prep work” results in a more successful outcome but in the long run, might create less work.

1. Vacationing – Familiarizing yourself with your destination and the activities that are available as well as creating a budget and schedule will impact the success of your trip.

2. Sports – Practicing and physical preparation as well as diet and sleep will have a direct result on your achievements.

3. College- What was developed in Grade School and High School? Location and size of college as well as how it fits in to what your strengths are academically and socially, will have a direct impact on your chances to succeed.

4. Painting – Preparing the walls. Repair work, taping, primer and selection of paint. Not only will the “prep work” affect the outcome but it can avoid having to do things over again.

The end result is always directly impacted by preparation and although preparation is usually boring it is instrumental in our success. Through reflection I have come to the conclusion that almost all of my failures have come as a direct result of my lack of preparation and only by reflecting on that, am I able take responsibility for what I decide to succeed in next.

“Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity”

                                                                             Henry Hartman

Back by Popular Demand, Its the Sponge Bob Game!

Just in case you have never watched the show, I will sum it up for you. It’s a very sarcastic cartoon, staring the following characters. Sponge Bob, Patrick Star, Squidward, Mr Krabs, Sandy Cheeks, Plankton, and Gary! In the beginning, I watched this show with my kids with no real consideration as to what was happening. Now, upon further review, I have come to realize that it is the story of all our lives. Each character represents someone you know. So here is how we play. Familiarize yourself with all the characters and their individual characteristics.

Sponge Bob = Quirky, sarcastic, funny, a bit off the deep end
Patrick Star = Simple, naïve, jolly, dopey
Squidward = Raspy, Grumpy, Annoyed, Miserable
Mr Krabs = Busy, Money Hungry, Blinded with Ambition
Sandy Cheeks = Happy, smart, savvy, fresh
Plankton = Evil, Wicked, Thief, Mean
Pearl = Happy, Chearful, Positive
Gary = Quiet, slow, misunderstood, lonely

Now, go out into the world and every time you talk to someone, decide which character they resemble and why. I know this sounds silly but there is a point. First, it will bring light to the fact that we all take ourselves way to serious. Secondly, it will allow you to see how our actions can group us into a category of people, we may not want to be associated with. Lastly, it might make us further understand that our individuality provides for one heck of a good show. I mean how much fun would life be if everyone was Sponge Bob?
To win the game, ask yourself who you think you most resemble and why. Then ask yourself, who you think most people would pick you to be and why. Who would you like to be? Are they the same? What could you do to change your character? An important thing to remember is that people will communicate with you differently based on what character you portray. Make sure that if you want to be treated like Sponge Bob, you’re not acting like Squidward.

Conquering Your Fears?

The other day I was asked,” How do you know the difference between doing something to conquer a fear, or doing something that may be detrimental to you as a person?” I was given the examples of asking for a raise or speaking out in a meeting about something you disagree with but your superiors feel strongly about. When I talk about conquering a fear, I am talking about something that you feel you lack strength in, such as speaking in public, being social, etc. . I myself have not practiced and therefore do not like, reading or speaking in front of crowds. Leading up to the moment, adrenaline starts pumping through my body and I get extremely nervous about what I am about to do. The only way I will ever overcome this is by “conquering my fear” and pushing through the situation enough times. By doing it over and over without a negative outcome, I will become less nervous and eventually overcome the fear. To compare this to my friend’s example, if you were a person that finds it difficult to speak up in meetings, I would begin overcoming that fear by speaking out about things that will create a positive result and therefore positive reinforcement. The effects of speaking out the first time to disagree with the rest of the room, would most likely feed your fear, making it less likely for you to speak up the next time. It’s important to put ourselves in a position to succeed when we attempt to conquer our fears. The last thing that we want to do is feed the fears. In the case of asking for a raise, again it is important to differentiate between a general fear and a risk vs reward decision. A general fear would be someone who typically does not like to ask for things for themselves. In this case that person may need to “conquer their fear” to find the courage to go in and ask for the raise. On the other hand most people just fear the consequences of asking for the raise, more than the act of asking. In these cases this has nothing to do with the “conquering your fears” idea. We all have our own individual fears that we need to work on and I think it is a very valid point that we must not confuse what is a general fear, with the fear of consequences from a particular decision. Most importantly, its important to always put ourselves in a position to succeed. I will practice reading in front of small crowds before you see me singing the National Anthem at Yankee Stadium.

Im Proud of You

Isn’t it ironic how in the heat of battle we can throw around insults and curse words with reckless abandon, yet for the most part we hold compliments close to the vest. The insults and curse words are a facet of how we learned to do battle (defend ourselves) growing up. We learned at an early age that if you want to be heard in an argument, you need to speak louder (scream) to take control of the conversation. We were taught that curse words can be used to emphasize your emotional state (although I think they have lost their power, due to over using them). Lastly, we were taught that if we felt we were losing, we could do anything in our power to win, including insulting the other person. Since most everyone is using the same format, what starts out as a discussion, can lead to an argument and eventually end up in a fight. Many times, the things that were said had no relevance to what was originally being discussed. So if this is all a result of learned behavior, why don’t we just as enthusiastically learn to compliment, when things are good? Why is it so easy to curse but so difficult to compliment? Why is it so easy to tell others what they do wrong and what they should be doing differently yet so difficult to tell them what you like about them and what they do that you like. Is it that we are afraid it will make us sound stupid? Do we sound smarter when we curse and insult? Is it that we are afraid that we will sound soft or weak? Cursing may make us “sound” strong but does it “make” us strong? Which of the two comes from a stronger person? Maybe we are afraid that if we say nice things others will take advantage of us? Isn’t it true that we have direct control of who we “allow” to take advantage of us?

I recently had someone tell me they were proud of me. It caught me off guard because it was something that is typically not said. I spent a lot of that day thinking about what I could have done to evoke such a comment. It wasn’t a family member, whom one would usually associate with those words but instead it was a friend and someone I had spent little time with over the years. Those four words empowered me. As many of you know, my father died when I was 13 and in the last 30 years, I have seldom heard those words. With those four words, that person made a difference in my life and as a result, a difference in the lives of everyone I will encounter. Realize the power that you carry in your words and use them.

Vengeance 2

Our our first thoughts when we are hurt by others, is to strike back and or take revenge. We become engulfed with anger and the idea that vengeance can bring us peace. Vengeance can bring us peace? Does that make any sense? Maybe vengeance can bring us satisfaction? Does that make sense? Vengeance cannot bring us peace because wishing harm or ill will on another is a form of aggression and hate, which are both a direct contradiction to peace. So maybe vengeance can bring us satisfaction? Should we get our satisfaction from seeing another suffer. Will that restore a healthy, positive attitude in ourselves? What if they don’t suffer as much as we wanted them to? Will we then suffer more due to the lack of their suffering? It can get very complicated and confusing to be vengeful. In the long run, you create a world where your emotions are governed by that of others. It’s not to say that we won’t all at times feel the injustice of certain situations, but that to restore a sense of justice, we must take positive actions instead of creating ill willed negative reactions that will consume us more than others.

Before we act or better said react, we need to stop and think as to whether what we are doing is a positive step to change our circumstances, or a negative step to try to negatively change those of another.

Building Relationships

I came to realize that there is a good reason why it is, “building a relationship” and not, "naturally falling into a relationship". The truth is that all relationships, especially in the beginning, have to be built. We may have a natural tendency to like someone over another but once you begin to interact with that person, it becomes a give and take dance, with careful consideration of not stepping on your partners toes. You may think I am only referring to our romantic relationships but I am referring to all of them. Like anything else we build, the amount of time you spend and the effort you make to build a strong foundation, will impact that relationship for its entire life. There are some relationships that are not particularly chosen but more inherited, like a brother, sister, mother, father, daughter or son. Although everyone would love to believe that these relationships should be naturally occurring they are not. In fact these inherited type relationships, can be some of the most difficult you will ever have. Once again, these will not be anymore naturally occurring than the others. You must work at them just as hard, building a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect. This last part may sound a little crazy and would take pages to fully explain, but I am going to try to explain in a few short sentences. If we find that we are not feeling the way we think we should about someone and wish we felt differently, we must decide to "fake it, until we make it". Although our emotions may be saying one thing, we must tell ourselves what we want to believe about that relationship and then reinforce it through our actions. If we can do this for a sustained period of time, the relationship will change. The part that is hard to believe and may even sound a little crazy, is that the other person in the relationship doesn’t have to cooperate for this to work. We do not need the other person to change for our new perception to become our new reality. Here is a good example: We have all had close friends that we felt strongly about. Our relationship with that person was solid and we were should it would never change. During that relationship a simple change may occur, such as a change in schools, a move or change in marital status. Suddenly our relationship changes with that person. We feel and talk differently towards them. This person who was once so close, now starts to fade away and become different. We question how well we really new them. Is it possible that the core of that person changed so drastically? Is it possible that we were so off on what we thought about our original thoughts towards that person? It is more likely that with that one change, our perception changed and then we began feeding our new perception,  until it became our new reality.

It is up to us to decide what we want to feed our minds in regards to our relationships. We can feed our minds junk food and end up building unhealthy relationships. I think we should feed our minds healthy thoughts and in turn end up with healthy relationships that will keep us happy and last a lifetime.

Age Doesn't Matter

Most of us assume that the older you are, the more you know. We will hold someone more responsible for their actions, based on this idea. The reality is that if your ability to know or do something was a direct result of age, we would all be able to play the piano or solve the most intricate mathematical formulas, by the time we were in our 50’s. In truth, we get better at things as we age because we have had more time to practice those things but nothing comes naturally as a result of getting older. We must learn things from someone and then perfect them with practice, through the years. It could be learning to play a musical instrument, learning to play a sport or just the everyday challenge of learning to live. Who teaches us good coping skills? Who teaches us the skill of independence? Do we go to a school to learn these life lessons? Do we get private lessons, like one might get in sports? How is it that we learn the difficult art of being able to take care of ourselves and handle the tough times as well as the good times? As a parent I know I have put a tremendous amount of time into my girl’s education and sports. I have paid for private lessons and spared no expense, to send them to the best schools. I also realized somewhere along the way that more importantly, I needed to teach them the skills they would need to cope with life as independent young women. I realized that these skills would guide them and dictate the path their lives would take. Most of us assume that as you get older these skills should come on their own but just like learning to play the piano, they must be taught to you by someone. It’s not to say that there are not those who have a natural ability to play the piano and can just hear a song and play but most of us are not that fortunate. If we are taught incorrectly are music will always sound off and we will struggle with bad technique.

As you all know, it is much harder to learn to do something at an older age but it can be done. How did you learn your life skills? Are they bringing you success and happiness? What can you do to teach yourself better technique? Lastly, as you look around at others, “don’t judge a piano player by the way they play try to understand how they learned to play. “

The Journey

The journey in most cases, can be just as much fun as the destination and in some cases, better. So many of us are in such a hurry to get the things that we want, that we forget to “smell the roses” along the way. As we get older we become more aware of the journey and reflect on the aspects of the journey we enjoyed. This obviously is related to the fact that the older you get, the more of a past you have. We look back and smile at the good and bad times we experienced, that got us to where we are today. We find warmth and found remembrance in “the journey”. Think about two these examples:


1. When we first started dating, at times it felt tortuous to go through the newness of the relationship. The first time holding hands, the first kiss, the first fight and many other first were not as exciting as you now may remember them to be. At the time we just wanted everything to be perfect and were in a hurry to get to a certain level of comfort not realizing that it was the discomfort that was exiciting and fun. Now looking back, although they were not the easiest times, those were some of the best times of the relationship

2. When we buy a new home, we want it to be perfect the day we move in but in most cases cannot afford to do all the work at once. We slowly but surely begin to add furnishing, remodel, paint and do many other things to get it just the way we want it. We hurry to get it all done so it can be “perfect”. Once everything is “perfect”, a lot of people will chose to move or change styles and start all over again. If it was the journey that was going to fulfill them, why is it that once they get there they want change again? No matter what, they will always look back fondly and with admiration on all the work they had done (The Journey).

Like these two examples, there are many more I could give. The idea is that every day is the journey and the final destination is when it is all over. Slow down, smell the roses and enjoy the journey. Realize that even the very things you may be complaining about today will be missed and laughed about later.
If you can really get in this mind set, you can learn to enjoy even the worst of situations because you will have the ability to look at the present as if though you are looking at it from the future. That perspective will show things for what they truly are and bring you comfort.

I Hear You Loud But Not Clear

All of our lives are going at such an incredible pace that we barely have time to really pay attention to the details of our conversations with others. We hear what they are saying but we don’t take the time to listen to the message they are trying to convey. When I was a kid, I remember hearing my dad complain that I was hearing what he was saying but not listening. Listening to what people are saying is really somewhat of an art and takes a tremendous amount of focus and interest as to what the message is that is trying to be conveyed. It is also very important for the listener to have an open and trusting mind as to what the other person is saying. Here are some very basic examples of what is being said, what is being heard and what is trying to be conveyed. (They may not apply to you but you should get the point)


1. Said: “You always come home late from work”.

Heard: “You must be having fun or prefer being away”.

Message: “We love having you around and worry when you’re not here”.

2. Said: “I do everything around here and it would be nice to get some help”.

Heard: “ You are lazy and do nothing all day”.

Message: “Your interest, help and support, makes my workload easier to deal with”.

3. Said: “Mom/Dad, how come you always have to go to ________ with your friend".

Heard: “You’re a bad mom/dad and don’t deserve time for yourself”.

Message: “Sometimes I feel like you prefer being with your friends over me, can you reassure me that you love me and that I am important to you”.

4. Said: “I remember when we use to go to the park and throw Frisbee, that was fun”.

Heard: “I like reminiscing about going to the park and Frisbee throwing”.

Message: “I like spending time with you, can we do something together again”.

These are just a few examples, of some typical situations but every conversation is full of what is said, what is heard and what the real message trying to be conveyed is. Sometimes, even the person conveying the message, isn’t aware of what they are truly trying to convey becuase they get lost in fear and anger while trying to convey their message. In our conversations with people today, see if we can tell the difference between what people are saying and what their message is. I think you will find it to be extremely interesting, how easy it is to pick up on, if you take the time to “listen”.

Mistaken Identity

Sometimes we find it difficult to do the things we usually do so naturally and what was once fun to us becomes pressure filled and tiresome. Every one of us at some point becomes identified with something in particular that we do. We can forget that this is not who we are but just something we do. We make the mistake to build our entire identity around how well or badly, we do these things. When we do them well and we feel that others perceive us as successful, our spirits are high. On the other hand, when we stumble and are not as successful, we can be hard on ourselves and feel like we are under the microscope. Of course feeling this way can only make it harder to find fun in what we once enjoyed and while no longer having fun, the chance of success fades.


My eldest daughter Elle was an excellent cheerleader and tumbler. From the age of 6, that was her “thing”. We traveled all over the country competing and wherever we went, she was identified as a cheerleader. Her senior year in high school she was the captain of her team and once again, a big part of her identity in school was this. Now, she is in college and her cheerleading days are behind her. Is “Elle” not Elle anymore? Is she less than she once was? Will everyone treat her differently? The obvious answer is a resounding no. We were all great bubble gum bubble blowers and bike riders as well as many other things during our lives, but if our success in doing those things meant as much today as we thought they did back then, all of us would be in trouble. The best way to have success doing the things we do today, is to not identify ourselves with them and just enjoy them for what they are. How well we do things for ourselves at particular stages of our lives, will not define who we are. It is how well and what we do for others throughout our lives that will truly define us.

What Do You See?

What do you see in this picture?


Do you see a storm approaching or the skies clearing?

Do you see an eroding shore line or an endless beach?

Does the thought of traversing to the other side, tire you or excite you?

Are you overwhelmed by the challenging terrain or taken back by the beauty and variety of the landscape?

Are you disappointed with the lack of sunlight or satisfied with the absence of rain?

Is this a silent landscape with light sounds of calm oceans and distant rain, or is it filled with thunder and crashing waves?

Our perception can change how we feel about things which in turn, can change how we feel. When we learn how to have a glass empty way of looking at things, we can spiral into a negative spin that can eventually lead to depression. What is hard to realize is that it is all based on how we look at things. The picture above illustrates how so many different feelings and perception can come from the same thing. Someone who has a “glass full” kind of mentality, can tell you the wonders of this picture while others may not. How is it possible to have two different descriptions of the same thing? The only plausible answer is that there are two different perceptions. From the moment we open our eyes every morning we are bombarded with a constant slideshow of pictures. In nanoseconds we form perceptions of what we are seeing. We have it within ourselves to decide what direction we want to take with our perceptions  and in turn where they will take us. Reality will never change but our perception of reality can. Change your perception and watch how an incredible world with everything in it, will unfold for you.

Use It Or Lose It

What happens to anything that is not used? Depending on what it is, it may rust, wither, weaken or break. The law of physics is that everything will basically deteriorate in some way or the other over time. All of us enjoy the idea of being youthful and if you take a look around, you will notice that youth = using it. If you continue to stay as physically active as you did in your youth, your body (muscles) will be forced to keep their tone. Just the same, if you keep your mind active it also will be forced to keep in shape. As we get older we become less active and complacent. People say they don’t have time for this, yet they seem to find plenty of time for dinners, movies, TV , etc.. I say, we can’t afford to not have the time. We have to find the time to keep our minds and bodies in shape. My grandparent’s health began to rapidly deteriorate when they were forced to become inactive due to health issues. Once they stopped moving mentally and physically, it was a rapid, compounding decent. If you want to stay mentally or physically in shape, ask yourself, “What am I doing on a daily basis to keep mentally sharp and physically fit.” If you want to maintain, there is a minimum. If you want to improve or advance, you need to do even more. It goes without saying, that are mind and bodies will change as we age but the rate at which they change, is directly correlated to the amount of use. It’s not my message but natures. It is very clear and supported with overwhelming data, USE IT OR LOSE IT!!!

74 year old man who is obviously using it.

Responsibility = Potential ////////////////////// Comparison = Complacency

Would you expect the same play in basketball from a tall player than you would from a short player? Would you expect the same performance from a naturally gifted singer than you would from an average person who has not been given such a gift? What about that one student who barely studies but always get the highest grades, would you expect the same results from the average student? Would you expect the same behavior from a man than you would expect from a woman? People come in different shapes, sizes and natural talent. Everyone’s potential although similar, have obvious differences. It’s our responsibility to push ourselves to reach our own individual potential without comparing our success to those around us. Using some of the examples above, imagine Shaquille O'Neal bragging to you about how much better he is at basketball than Celine Dion. Wouldn’t that be absurd? Imagine that he used her basketball potential to define his success and then ask yourself if he would have ever reached his full potential. What if Celine Dion compared her singing to his and focused her success on her ability to out sing him. I could say the same about the student who everything comes easier to. How far would they go if they based their success on their ability to outperform the average student?
Comparing ourselves to others is natural but using it as an excuse to not reach our individual potential is complacency. What are the gifts you have been given? Are you reaching your full potential? Put blinders on and move forward, there are no limitations when you are on your path to your full potential.

Bonus: When you really understand that we all have different gifts you won’t take it so personally when others aren’t able to share yours. I can’t imagine a pianist getting mad at someone who can’t play the piano, so why would you get mad at someone who maybe can’t communicate the way you do.

Why Me Again?

I am sure we can all relate to suffering through what seems to be the same issue over and over again. It can seem like a particular problem follows us around and the only thing that changes, is the messenger. Over and over again, we find ourselves facing the same issues. What are the chances that out of all the people in the world, these problems choose us. Isn’t it more likely that we are the ones choosing these problems, or better said creating these problems? The reason they keep popping up in our lives, is because we keep making the same decisions that create them. I have told my children that God knows our weaknesses and he is going to keep confronting us with them, until we can master them. We can speed up this process by make a conscious effort to change the way we do things, in an effort to change the results.

Example: If you’re that person that feels like they are always being taken advantage of in your relationships, ask yourself what you have done in each relationship to invite that kind of behavior from others. I can assure you that your decisions have created their actions and in turn the relationship. The next relationship you start, take a different path. Force yourself to look at what might be creating the other person to see you as someone who will accept the unwanted behavior. A different path, will create different results. Unfortunately, we do what we are immediately comfortable with and don’t realize that we create a long term discomfort by doing it.
Changing the way we do things requires, effort, reflection and time, so don’t think it’s going to happen overnight. Overtime it will become easier and the results will be everlasting.