Thursday, July 29, 2010

Finding It

I find it funny that people “lose their temper”. I don’t know about everyone else but I seem to find my temper or it finds me. I am sure they are talking about losing control when they refer to someone losing “it”. Well I lost, “it” the other day and looking back on what happened, it seems as though while losing “it”, I found a whole bunch of other things that were stuffed inside of me just waiting to come out. As I started to lose it, I started to say things that looking back, where just dumb, hurtful and borderline stupid. At the time, everything I was saying seemed so important. Subconsciously, I convinced myself that if these things did not happen, it would affect me in such a way that I could no longer be happy. Looking back now, it is all so irrelevant. Without knowing, I started bringing up other things that I was upset about that had no relation to the current “crisis”. Within ten minutes, I went from having a normal outlook on life to an abnormally warped view. Once I convinced myself how bad I had it and how the world was against me, it was all downhill. Over the years, I have learned to get out of this downfall but I am embarrassed about how I handled the situation. Unfortunately there were a few casualties along the way. I have tried to undo the damage but as we all know you can’t take back what you say.

So when I ask myself what caused me to lose it, the overwhelming answer is fear. You tell yourself a story as to what will happen if these things unfold and then fear ingulfs your thoughts as it builds its home in your mind. In reality, we may think we have an idea as to what may happen but we don’t really know. It is this build up of internal fear that explodes out of us. We scream, kick, fight, insult and do anything humanly possible to change what we built up to be something that will impact our lives negatively. In the end, many of the very things we were so afraid of and fought so hard for them not to happen, are the best things in our lives.

I wish I could lose my temper and never find it again. It only hurts me and stops me from growing. I wish I could lose my fears and have complete faith in the fact that everything happens for a reason. I wish I could lose the part of me that judges others and forgets to appreciate the things I take for granted. I wish I was a better, dad, brother, friend, husband, person. I know that If I trust and have faith, I can “find” that better person inside of me and it will grow, just as I know that if I allow fear to guide my thoughts, my temper will find me again.  Amazing Little Girl (Listen)


Kiki said...

Wonderful post Alex! I too seem to "find" my temper more often than I'd like, thought certainly less often than I used to. The video was beautiful too:) Great start to my morning!

Alex said...

Hey Kiki,

I am glad you could relate. This was one of those that i was unsure how it would be recieved. I am creating an email list so that when I post it will automatically send out a reminder to my members. Can you send me your email as well as anyone else you think might want to recieve it?

Anonymous said...

As humans there will come a time in our lives when we will all become angry and lose our temper. We are emotional beings full of different emotions because that is the way God created us. However we are not to be controlled by the sinful nature but by the Spirit.

The things you have mentioned here are no stranger to any of us. We struggle with them on a daily basis, but even if we stumble we get up, humble ourselves and continue our walk on the straight and narrow path.

I think anyone that knows you Alex
can say with all honesty that God's hand is very evident in your life, because you are a great father, brother, friend, husband and person.