Mailbox Misery

Isn’t it torturous to receive a letter in the mail regarding something you disagree with but by the time you read it you realize there is nothing you can do until the next day or sometimes until Monday? Throughout my life I have received many letters and or phone calls like this. I always seemed to get them late Friday afternoon (just before the weekend) and whatever the issue was, it could not be addressed until Monday morning. I would torture myself the entire weekend. I’d run through why it was wrong and what I was going to say, reliving the moment throughout the entire weekend. Needless to say, I completely ruined my weekend and affected those around me. Now as I sit here writing this, I can only tell you that the letters usually came from the mortgage company , community management, school, utilities, insurance companies, or some lawyer letter (those were always scary). For the most part, I cant give you the details of what the letters were about and I definitely can’t tell you when I got them or how many. Whatever they were about and however life impacting they felt at the time, they all got resolved and are nothing but a faded memory now. Unfortunately what I can’t have back, are those weekends I wasted in anger or the examples I showed others on how to cope with such issues. So what was it that drove me so crazy that I felt the need to resolve the problem right then and what has changed now? The answer is, was and will always be, fear. Fear can drive us to do some really crazy things. We will act out in desperation just to bring closure and eliminate the fear. When we are forced to wait, it gives us a feeling of loss of control. The fear that they will take your house, assess you with penalties, turn off your power, raise your premium or prosecute you, can be paralyzing. Now after many years, I have reached a point where I can let go of those fears. I understand that all these things are directly controlled by my actions. I realize that they will all be resolved in time and if that time is not now, to let it go and enjoy my weekend. I take responsibility for the issues I have created for myself and reflect on how I can do things differently so as not to find myself in the same situation again. I stop blaming others and focus on what part I might have played in what's happening. Lastly, and most importantly, I focus on today and ask myself what I am so afraid of that I am willing to give up my happiness for? What is so important that living my life must wait for?

Barks Like a Dog

“If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog.”

 As we go through our lives, there have been times where what we see doesn’t match with what our minds or instincts tell us. We go through an internal struggle questioning ourselves and wondering whether or not it could be possible that our instincts are just flat out wrong.

Two simple examples that we can all relate to are the following: We see people buying expensive cars, beautiful homes, going out to fancy dinners, wearing designer clothes and traveling the world vacationing. We question ourselves as to what we might be doing wrong that does not allow us the same opportunities. We ask ourselves, “Should I be working harder?" or "Am I not smart enough?" "Did I pick the wrong profession?" We wonder, "What did the others do to make them so much money?" and "How is it that they make it look so effortless?"  They seem to have the perfect life. It just doesn’t make sense. I am not saying that there are not those who have worked extremely hard and sacrificed other areas of their lives to obtain wealth, but everyone in Miami? As life unfolds, so too the truth oftern unfolds. Credit card debt, bankruptcy, foreclosures and many other financial secrets unfold and our instincts are proven to be right.

My daughter Elle spent her first semester at the University, struggling to balance her academic life with her social life. She would struggle wondering how it was possible that her friends were going to parties every night and able to make the grades. She, herself, would ask if there was something she was doing wrong. She questioned her own decisions and abilities. I would tell her, “If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog. Wait until the end of the semester before you beat yourself up. Just keep doing what you know to be right.” As life unfolds so too the truth will unfold. Many of those very same girls were forced to drop their classes while others failed.

We all question ourselves but we need to go with our instincts using our internal compass to guide us. Our entire life is filled with examples like the two above. If we allow what we perceive others to be doing to guide us, we will spend everyday at the end of a social leash being yanked around in the direction that others choose to go. Remove yourself from the leash and be free to roam the park as you see fit. When you see something that doesn’t make sense remember, “If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it’s a dog.”

Devil's Tool

                                "Idle time is the Devil's tool."

When I was growing up, one of my best friend’s mom would always say this to us. Of course at thirteen, I just felt she was telling us we were being lazy. Now as a 43yr old man, I realize the wisdom in her words. When we are busy doing something we are forced to become fully present in the moment. While fully present in that moment all of our other thoughts cease to exist and time is lost. The result is usually a sense of fulfillment; happiness if you will. On the other hand, what happens when we become idle? We sit and think. We think about the future and what might be, sometimes creating fear and anxiety. We sit and think about the past, creating a sense of longing, sadness and sometimes despair. When my friend’s mom said idle time was the devils tool, I think she was also implying that if we had nothing to do, we might find something negative to do and get into trouble. She was right. As a result of thinking about the future and or past, one might decide that they need to do something to try to correct the past and or what they believe to be the inevitable future. That decision can involve, and many times will involve, making a bad decision.

When it comes to raising my kids this has absolutely been the case. When we have kept them constantly busy with schooling, sports and personal activities, they have stayed positive and happy. On the other hand when there has been the least bit of inactivity, they complain about being tired more, they lack motivation, they seem almost bored with life and at times just lay around waiting for something to happen to them. This is no different for me. When I am constantly moving and busy, I am fulfilled and happy. I sometimes hear a voice that tries to tell me I need a break or that I wish I could just lie around and do nothing for a day. I’ve come to learn that that is the voice of death (figuratively speaking). That it is the devil in, “Idle time is the devil’s tool.” If I feed that idea, it will grow out of control and I will find myself wanting more and more time to rest. It has an insatiable appetite. On the other hand if I push forward and ignore it, I become present in what I am doing and a natural flow or tempo is created. The rest and down time, is self dictated and when it arrives, I am present in that moment as well.

It took me 30 years to get it. Idle time truly is the Devil's tool and therefore Work and activity can only be God’s gift.

What is Bad? (2)

What is good versus what is bad, is usually determined by how we think we will be ultimately affected by what is happening. If we really looked in depth, we would realize that most of what we determine to be bad, is created in our own minds. The only way we could possibly determine whether something is bad, would be if we could foresee the end results. Since this is impossible, we create a future world in which we determine how the event will negatively impact our lives. Based on this imaginary future we make a determination as to whether the event is good or bad.
A very simple example can be illustrated through sports. When the Miami Heat pulled off one of the biggest trades in the history of the NBA, it was a great thing and people in Miami were elated. However if you lived in Clevland, it was betrayal and the end of your franchise. The people in Clevland were were insanely upset. Oh yeah, and the rest of the country had mixed emotions. Based on how each group thought they would be affected, they determined whether the event was a “good thing” or a “bad thing.” The reality is that not even one single game has been played yet. No one really knows what any of it means. We can have our ideas but nothing has really happened yet. It may be the best thing that ever happened to Clevland and the worst thing that ever happened to Miami.
So how can one event be a good thing, a bad thing, or “no thing” all at once? The answer is that it can’t. It is just an event, neither good nor bad, just an event. That example is simple but powerful because so many people can have their entire mood change and their lives affected from the results of one sporting event. Life is too important and short to be affected by something so trivial.

Here’s a more powerful example: My dad died when I was thirteen and that was a bad thing that happened to me and my family. Or was it? Originally I perceived this to be the most horrific thing that could have happened to me. I spent many nights asking God why he would do this to me. It is only now that I realize that with my father’s death, many great things have happened in my life. My wife, my children and the way I look at life, are all direct results of his death. In short, I am who I am today, because of his death, not inspite of it. I am not suggesting that everything that happens will feel good. I am only suggesting that if you look back at your life, many of the things that you thought to be so horrible at the time, turned out to be good things. In the end when we look back with the benefit of knowing the conclusion, everything will be good.

Lottery (2)

Too many times I hear people say, " If I could just win the Lotto everything would be different." Of course I can understand the financial freedom, however temporary, that might come from such an event but how would this make someone change their feelings towards themselves? What would they be so proud of ? That they were able to pick random numbers. Give a monkey some darts and he can do the same. Once we bought everything we think we needed and gave to those who we thought were deserving, then what? Would we feel pride, or perhaps some sense of fulfillment? We should take pride in the fact that we make it through our lives without winning the Lotto. We provide for our families and give to others when it is not so easy to do so. When times are difficult we have the perseverance to continue forward. Giving what comes without sacrifice and what you have in great abundance is easy. Giving what we have worked hard for and is scarce, is what will be appreciated the most and fulfill us in the end.

We are all lottery winners in one way or the other. Whether its the health lotto, family lotto, brains lotto, good job lotto or any of the many others, I am sure when we look at the gifts we have in our lives, we can find our own personal lotto win. If the $1 million dollar lotto winner spends his days worrying about why he didn't win the power ball for $136 million, he will always be disappointed and feel cheated. We should be thankful for the things we have been given and not worry about the things we think we "should have" received. When we let go and fully trust that what is, is what should be, the world opens up to us and everything comes in abundance. When we try to force and fight against what is, we only tire and make it more difficult and break things along the way.